Diary, Oh Diary
by xoBeautifulXDisasterxo
Summary: Arwen tells Merry and Pippin to guard her diary from Aragorn that's filled with her marriage problems. So what happens when they read it? VERY FUNNY! ONE-SHOT! R&R please!


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Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the __Rings;__ I'm just a crazy fan girl!_

_My first Lord of the Rings one-shot. I'm kind of obsessed with one-shots right now! You know the drill, read and review please! Thanks!_

_Pip! Pip!

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"Pippin! Merry!" Arwen called out. Her voice echoed through the great white halls of Minas Tirith. The two hobbits came running down the hall and stopped in front of her. They bowed.

"What can we do for you, my lady?" Pippin asked.

Arwen pulled out a small book with a leather binding. It was reddish brown.

"Aragorn has been looking for this all morning. I need you to guard it for me." She explained.

She handed it to Merry who studied the book closely.

"What exactly is it?" he asked.

"It is my diary and Aragorn must not get it! Do not give it to him no matter what!" she said.

"And what happens if he does get it?" Pippin asked her.

Arwen gave him a deadly look that could have killed someone.

"Do you really have to ask?" Merry whispered to Pippin. He turned back to Arwen. "Of course we will guard it for you! You can count on us!"

Arwen scooped the hobbits into her arms and hugged them.

"I knew I could count on a knight of Rohan and a knight of Gondor. Thank you!" She released them and hurried off. Then she stopped. "And remember…Aragorn must not get it! Or…" She gave them the deadly look again.

"He may be king…and I may now be mortal…but I still know some elvish tricks!" And with that she hurried off down the hall.

As soon as she was gone, Merry opened the diary.

"What are you doing?!?" exclaimed Pippin.

"What? I just want a peek! And I know you do too!" Merry replied. He read the first page:

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**"This Diary belongs to Arwen Evenstar, Queen of Gondor. Keep out or else! Especially Aragorn…and Merry and Pippin."

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"Huh…she knows us…doesn't she, Pip?" Merry asked.

"Close it! You heard her! Who knows what she'll do to us if she catches us reading it!" Pippin hissed.

Merry glared at his cousin. "You shouldn't talk, Pip! You're the one always looking at something! Remember? The _palantír_ You almost got yourself killed just because you had to look."

"Well, I've learned my lesson!" Pippin shivered.

"Plus, this isn't some wizard's ball…it's a diary." Merry explained. "Besides…what could possibly happen?"

Merry opened the diary and began to read:

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_Dear Diary:_

_Aragorn is impossible to live with! He insists I call him a different name everyday! On Mondays, I have to call him Strider. On Tuesdays, it's Aragorn; __Wednesdays__… Longshanks; Thursdays…Estel; Fridays…__Dunadan; and Saturdays and Sundays it's Thorongil. It's ridiculous! How can one man have so many names??? He was never like this when I first met him! Maybe that crown of his is getting to his head.

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"Okay…you read it. Now close it!" Pippin said.

"Come on. A little more!" Merry begged. But before Pippin could stop him, Merry started reading again.

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_Dear Diary:_

_That Aragorn! Oh…wait! I mean…Strider! (It's Monday!) Even though he's king and can do whatever he wants doesn't mean he can't clean himself up! He always smells! He never takes a shower! And he expects me to sleep in the same bed with someone who smells like dirt and blood…and who knows what else! I know marriage is about making sacrifices and everything…but really! That man needs to pull himself together! I gave up living forever to be with him! The least he can do is take a bath!

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_Dear Diary:_

_For a man who can't a bath, Aragorn spends a lot of time on his hair. He argues with me all the time about how his hair needs to be in this perfect half ponytail. He says all the kings wear their hair like that and that he needs to be kingly! He spends hours in the bathroom trying to get it perfect! Once he was even in there for 18 hours! I need to use the bathroom too! The queen has to look good too! And I am not going without a good long shower! Maybe Aragorn and Legolas should stop hanging out together! I think all the hair product that Legolas uses is messing up Aragorn's mind!

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"That's it! You're done!" Pippin grabbed the diary out of Merry's hands.

"But it was just getting good!" exclaimed Merry.

"No! We shouldn't know their private business!" Pippin explained. "Now, let's guard this thing!"

"Oh, Merry! Pippin!" Legolas came skipping down the hall, looking perfect as always. He glanced over at the diary.

"What's that?" He asked.

"It's Arwen's diary and we're guarding it!" Pippin explained.

"Really? Her diary?" Legolas scratched his head. "Do you think I could have a little peek? Just so I could see what she wrote about little old me?" He pulled out his bow and arrow. "Because, if you don't let me…I could always use some extra target practice."

"Here!" Pippin threw the diary at Legolas and hid behind Merry.

Legolas smiled. "Thank you, oh brave hobbit guard of Gondor!" Merry had to chuckle at that. Legolas began to read:

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_Dear Diary:_

_Could Legolas use anymore hairspray??!? Everytime he walks into a room, I choke on the fumes! They're deadly! And sometimes, he even looks better than me! How is that possible?? And that special brush he uses…well don't tell him…but I broke it in half! Thank god too!

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"HOW DARE SHE! MY BRUSH!" Legolas yelled. "And my hairspray! How else do you think my hair stays in place!? Magic???" And with that, Legolas skipped down the hall in search of more hairspray, since his hair always got frizzy when he was angry.

Pippin picked up the diary. "See what you made me do?? Why didn't you stop me?"

"I thought it was funny!" Merry shrugged.

"Well…no more looking!" Pippin exclaimed.

"Oh, Pip! Why are you so worried? Nothing's happened!" Merry grabbed the diary out of his cousin's hand.

"Well…I don't know…aren't you a little worried something might happen?" Pippin asked.

"No, because nothing's going to happen!" Merry said.

"But it must know that we're not Arwen! So what happens if you open it again and a big gust of wind comes out of nowhere and blows both of us out the window? Arwen still has a little bit of her elvish powers." Pippin said.

Merry rolled her eyes. "Watch…I'm going to open it and nothing's going to happen." Merry opened the diary again. Suddenly he fell back, screaming.

"OWW! It shocked me!" Merry sucked on his thumb.

"See?" Pippin asked.

"That doesn't mean anything!" Merry picked himself up and opened it again. This time, a gust of wind came out of nowhere. The wind was so powerful that it blew the 2 hobbits out the window. Pippin grabbed onto Merry's foot as the two dangled from the window.

"See what you did!" Merry yelled. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!"

"What I did?? I told you not to open it!" Pippin yelled.

Merry, who was hanging onto the window ledge tried to pull himself up, but couldn't.

"Wait! Somebody's coming! It's Aragorn! Aragorn! Help us! Help Us!"

But Aragorn kept on walking, not seeming to hear them.

"What day is it?" Merry yelled down to Pippin.

"Thursday." Pippin replied.

"Estel! Estel! Help us!" Merry called. Estel turned around and saw Merry hanging out the window. He quickly pulled him and Pippin up.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Err...nothing…really…" Pippin said.

Estel scratched his head. "Well if you say so…" Estel turned and hurried off.

"That was close!" Merry sighed. He reached down to pick up the diary. "And I promise you, no more looking!" But the diary wasn't there!

"It's gone!" Merry yelled.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Pippin.

"It was right here…where did it go??" Merry asked.

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"Hehehehe! Arwen will never find me here!" Estel chuckled to himself. He was hiding in the bathtub holding the diary. "Now to read this…" And as he opened it, Arwen came running into the bathroom. She pulled Estel out of the bathtub and started punching him. 

"Oww! Stop it! Ow! Ow!" He yelled.

"I told you never to read my diary!" She screamed.

"OW! OKAY! I'M SORRY!" Estel yelled. Arwen stopped and pulled Estel off the floor, smiling.

"Oh…You'll never read it again….not after this!" Arwen turned on the water. Estel was shaking.

"What…are…you…going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to give you a bath! Now, you'll never try to read my diary again!" Arwen laughed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Estel screamed as Arwen threw him into the tub.

And after that, Estel never read Arwen's diary again!


End file.
